Sunday

What to do with your first Sunday in a new place?

In a past incarnation of myself I would have done a ton of research, made some calls, and done a bunch of leg work to find a church to try out.

But this version of me…the one who is in a deep, peaceful, and evolving love relationship with God…hopped in the car and went on the lookout for some water to put my toes in and a quiet place to think. I found both.

I also spent some of that time finishing The Four Agreements and thinking about each of the agreements in relation to my faith, my current place in life, and my seeker’s heart. For those who haven’t read this small guide by

Be Impeccable With Your Words
Don’t Take Anything Personally
Don’t Make Assumptions
Always Do Your Best

(There is so much I could say about these that I’ll save for another time. I want to re-read the book another time and digest it some more.)

From there I joined some new friends for an organic home church experiment that they are trying on Sunday afternoons. It warmed my heart to see these sincere, intelligent, warm people as they work through what they feel they are being called from and called to. I was touched by their deep desire to ask the important questions and to move clearly in the direction of following Jesus…and putting aside the doctrine that has hampered their pursuit freedom in the past.

Then it was dinner with a couple girlfriends. Yummy Vegan food, laughter, and good conversation. Never a bad combo.

The questions on my mind after such a day include:

• What does my faith need in this new place to continue to grow while not giving up the glorious freedom from structure, patriarchy, and the business of church that I’ve fought so hard for these past 2 years?
• What would life look like if I could stop making assumptions and asked better questions to gain understanding of what people thing? Would this be the trick to not taking things personally for me?
• How do I stop telling myself old stories and write new ones?
• Why do I have such a strong distrust and fear of commitment with anything related to church? (Uh…I can answer that one but I want deeper answers than the totally obvious ones that all of us know!)
• What’s next?

I’m the only person who can answer these questions in my life. You are the only person who can ask yourself these (or similar) questions. Just going to keep thinking, asking, and answering!

It’s Thursday and I’m taking a break from the reading of documentation to post a little something here to catch folks up on my first few days at Amazon.

Day 1–
Apparently every day is Day 1 at Amazon.
The premise is that each day is a fresh start. There are even two buildings called Day 1. Day 1 North and Day 1 South. Good thing they added the directions or else no one would know what Day it is!

On my first day I spent half the day in orientation. Remember…I’m a start-up girl. Orientation at a start up usually entails signing some paperwork and being shown to your desk. Even at Gap, new employee orientation was me and 4 other people..and it was a month after I’d started. This was like being a college freshman again. There were at least 100 people in the room. All different job levels, ages, ethnicities, etc. The number of men was significantly higher than women…but heck…I was just glad to not be the ONLY woman in the room.

I made two friends at Orientation. I met Adrienne on the elevator trying to find our way to the right place. We bonded over being new in Seattle with curly hair. Tim was at my table and caught my snarky mumbled comment about something and smiled. Then later he said something snarky himself and directed at me to see if I’d respond. Of course no snark ever goes unappreciated in my presence so we were instant friends. I then introduced my two friends to each other and now the three of us are having drinks soon. We are all in entirely different areas of the company and each of us is moving from a different part of the country (Denver/Chicago/NYC) so that helps. They don’t have friends so how can they turn me down. 🙂 haha!

The other main thing of note on Day 1 would be the guy who shuffled a deck of cards throughout orientation. He just shuffled the deck. Over and over. While the instructor taught the orientation. Oddly enough he looked at me like I was the crazy person when he caught me staring at him. Terrific. Even the freaky people think I’m freaky!

Day 2–
The day I lovingly refer to as “What the hell have I done?” day!

On day 2 the self doubt set in and I started to wonder what I’d done. I mean here I was. Sitting in a corner cubicle with no one to talk to, no foot traffic to even make sure I was alive, and nothing to do but read documentation. Oh…and it is freaking COLD in here. Sometime that day I exchanged emails with my sweet friend Mark from IPC followed by fighting back tears (I didn’t cry!…Yet) because I was concerned I’d made a mistake leaving my friends. I mean really…I KNOW I didn’t make a mistake…but I do miss my friends. And let’s face it…to go from being a bit of a princess in the office to being the new girl was a rude awakening. Like I said in my Facebook status…the only way I know how to describe this feeling is that empty feeling you got as a kid at camp or a sleepover where you wanted desperately to go home, knew you couldn’t, and mostly knew that you’d have fun soon. That is the feeling from Day 2.

I was tired, lonely, and a tad bit bored. All things that happen when you start a new job. I didn’t have enough to do or really anyone to talk to for WEEKS at IPC…but it’s funny how I blocked that part out.

Day 3–
Leah get’s her groove back…if only Taye Diggs was part of this summary!

At the very end of Day 2 my boss asked me to help him on something. I was so eager to do SOMETHING…ANYTHING…that I of course went all out on providing him feedback on something he probably considered fairly minor. Deep information, perfect email formatting, and opinion sent early on Day 3. Then…crickets….

Later another person…the only other person I’ve officially met this week…came by and we had a long chat about how the industry handles this certain element.

When my boss (who seriously needs a nickname) came by later he said “You already have a fan club just based on your email response and two conversations!” I just laughed and he said “Seriously. You are going to fit in here very nicely. The fact that you didn’t hesitate to wade in and give this team guidance is EXACTLY what we need you for.”

Take a hike Self-Doubt…there is no room for you and me both in this office!

Day 4–
And now we are current…

Nothing exciting has happened today. More reading. More guidance where I can offer it. The fact that I could have worn the same damn outfit every day this week and NO ONE would have known tells you just how much social interaction I’ve had. Just saying!

But…I’ve heard some rumblings from Denver that are confirming and validating that I have made the right move at the right time. Again…I already know that in my heart but it never hurts to be reminded!

One more thing…there are some real social oddballs here. One girl stands too close to me in the kitchen. One group of devs just stop talking when anyone enters the room…even though they are not speaking English and nobody cares what they are talking about (and by nobody I mean me). The girl in the bathroom who stepped in FRONT of me to look at herself in the mirror was interesting. As is the freaky doll in the Kindle building that is just staring at me all day. Not to be outdone, the guy who sits behind me who has yet to acknowledge my existence or his friend the loud-talker who has a dog with bows in her hair are also interesting. (The dog has acknowledged me…but it could be the petting or the snacks that forced her hand.)

Have I mentioned how much I LOVE social odd balls?!? Give me a close-talker and a card-shuffler any day over a regular old sales guy!

More to come…

We started Day 3 in the lovely town of Missoula, Montana. Home of beauty, nice shops, and my ex Jerod.

After a rocky night of sleep for me…I was wired going to bed from the night before…we got up to start our day. I texted Jerod about grabbing some coffee together as I suggested the night before. After waiting over an hour I finally gave up on his responding and Linda and I headed to breakfast. Imagine my surprise when I got a text that said “Are you having trouble finding the place?” Uh….what place? Apparently he had texted me back but I hadn’t received it and now he was waiting for me in a coffee shop a couple blocks away and had been for about 35 minutes. Because Linda is a WONDERFUL friend she let me ditch her on the spot and run to the coffee shop to meet him. 🙂

After a really great catch up talk we parted ways…again.

Linda and I then drugged up the kits and hit the road for Day 3 of our driving adventure. Again it was a day of discussing deep things of our hearts that needed to be spoken. It was philosophy at its finest as each of us tried to verbalize where we are in our walk with God and our desire to just live out the love of Christ to others instead of being bringers of doctrine and judgement. Of course we also talked more about men and sex. Did I mention we didn’t leave Missoula without doing some more shopping (I came away with 2 new scarves and a handbag…neither of which was necessary but all of which were strongly desired). I then answered email while Linda wandered a thrift store. We both wished the darling Mrs. Koski was with us on this trip at various intervals during the day. Perhaps the most beautiful part of the day was our stop at the scenic vista to look at the Columbia River Gorge and all the beauty and power therein.

Several people have commented that we could have done this trip in less time and I know that full well. But why?? Why push ourselves or the cats any harder than 7 hours a day? The hotels are paid for. I can’t get into Corporate housing until 3PM Thursday. And there was no point in making each day exhausting when we could just do this leisurely and treat it like a holiday. 

We finished the night in Ellensberg, Washington which is only slightly over 100 miles from Seattle. Again I realize we could have easily finished the swing and stayed in Seattle last night but I can’t get into Corporate Housing until 3PM. I also relished the idea of a slow morning before the excitement starts and love the thought of a final short drive taking me into my new hometown.

The cats have become quite content to be on this trip. They sleep in their palatial doggy crate during the day, talking to us occasionally, looking out the window any time we stop and give them fresh air. And each evening the prowl the hotel room, smelling everything, and ultimately find a window seat and sit in it. Each night they pick a bed…usually Linda’s in protest of sleeping with me since this trip is MY FAULT…and we all crash for the night. Last night they wrestled for the first time all week so I know they are OKAY!

Oh..I almost forgot to mention that we dined at The Yellow Church Cafe which is an old Lutheran Church renovated into a restaurant in Ellsenberg. The pasta was delicious, the wine was delightful, but the atmosphere was priceless!!

Yesterday was the first time that the true reality of what I am doing set in. I mean..I’ve known all along I was moving myself to Seattle. But yesterday it just hit me like a ton of bricks that I don’t know anything about Seattle and that this is a true adventure in the grandest style. And all I could do was smile.

And yet on the adventure I feel surrounded by love and lovelies. Zach and Sara, Tim and Cheryl are less than 3 hours away in Portland. Cara and Stephen are a ferry ride away on their BC Blueberry Farm (and such…). Jerod is a days drive to the east in the friendly mountain town that I’ve somehow fallen for. Vancouver, a city I have always adored, is to the north.

How could this be anything but right?

We left this morning from Sheridan, Wyoming with our longest driving day ahead of us. A mere 475 miles to Missoula, Montana. As avid road trippers we could push harder and do 10 or even 12 hour stretches but why? This feels much more like a holiday and since the trip is on the company and the minimum mileage is 350 miles a day…why not enjoy a few days of wandering.

Montana is gorgeous. I’ve always heard that but sheesh….so many different parts of the drive just took my breath away.

This morning we enjoyed an hour or so of “Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk” by David Sedaris followed by some nice Christian music and some blues. Mostly Linda and I just talked. We talked about our lives, our spiritual gifts, and we talked boys and sex. Well…I did…and she enjoyed my stories I think. 🙂 It is so good to travel with a friend that I can be silly with one minute and then have a deep meaningful discussion with next. Particularly after 10 months without a single soul that I really felt I could just talk girl talk with.

We arrived in Missoula in early afternoon. Our room overlooks a river and we strolled along enjoying the scenery. We then wandered a couple of streets in downtown Missoula including a paper store (HEAVEN for a couple of writers!) and a shop where the earrings were $5 each and we nearly DIED from the variety. 

In case anyone is wondering…the kits did wonderfully. They seemed to have resigned themselves to my crazy wanderings. They slept a great deal of the day on only a mild sedative. Compared to yesterday’s crazy crying, they were very calm and quiet. In the room tonight they were very calm and hardly hid at all. They are such amazing travelers and are a delight to talk to on the trip because they are so responsive and calm.

The topper of the night was dinner at Caffe Dolce. The wine was amazing. The rosemary bread was to die for. And the Wine Director was more handsome at 33 than he was at 26 when I last was in love with him. Someone please explain to me why men get more gorgeous the older they get? My emotions went all over the place seeing him after all these years. To be clear…this wasn’t just *some* ex boyfriend. I loved deeply and was loved well by this darling man. It was good to see him in his element. Happy. Healthy. And did I mention GORGEOUS! 🙂 He was so attentive and sweet with us…selecting out wine for us and bringing us two amazing, rare samples that were not on the menu but he just really wanted us to try.

He and I are having coffee tomorrow alone to catch up.

Tomorrow it’s 418 miles to Ellensburg, WA. We will not be in a hurry. I will have coffee with an old flame. Linda may need to shop a bit in a store that was closed. Arrival in Ellensburg not any sort of rush situation. Again…I love Linda for just going with the craziness of my “holiday road trip”.

On the job front…I miss my IPC coworkers dearly. I’ve thought about them and what they are doing repeatedly these last 2 days. I’ve been told by a couple that I too am missed. Which, for better or worse, does my heart good. 🙂

Amazon is on the horizon. By this time next week I will have 2 days under my belt. I’m not nervous…though I imagine that may still set in later. We shall see.

More tomorrow!!
Love from MANtana…were I have yet to see an ugly man! 🙂

My winter in Denver was lonely, cold, and life-changing.

Moving to a new city where you don’t know a lot of people and have few connections can be a true test of your character. For me it has also been a learning experience in so many ways. Being somewhere with little sense of community and struggling to fit in can exacerbate a feeling of loneliness or homesickness in such a way that you can’t ignore it.

All through the winter of 2011, I pushed myself to investigate what it was I was feeling and  I found that I was struggling with homesickness for a home I’d never had. I didn’t want to go back to Albuquerque (though I dearly missed my friends) and I didn’t want to be in Colorado (though it is exceedingly lovely).

But what did I want?

Frequently as I would contemplate this thought, I would be given these verses: 

“But blessed are those who trust in the Lord
    and have made the Lord their hope and confidence.
They are like trees planted along a riverbank,
    with roots that reach deep into the water.
Such trees are not bothered by the heat
    or worried by long months of drought.
Their leaves stay green, and they never stop producing fruit.” 
                                        –Jeremiah 17:7-8

Every time I read this or quoted it aloud, I would then spend the day singing or humming the old spiritual “I Shall Not Be Moved”. I began to get a vision of myself as a strong tree with deep roots that could not be tossed about because of circumstances, whether good or bad. As I began to practice yoga daily, I found that Tree Pose was my favorite pose. As I would stand in this challenging balancing position, I would find myself thinking of my one foot, planted on the ground and imagine that I could feel the heat of the sun (which I associated with the love of God) as I “grew my branches”…a popular yoga expression for holding the one legged pose while lifting your hands up and over your head.

(Please Note: In my car, in the shower, and in my own mind I sound like the female version of this:)

Then on a particularly low day after asking for what seemed like the hundredth time “Lord, why am I in Denver?”
I heard God say, “Child, you carry your roots deep within and you know that. What you need are wings.”

This was confusing to me because I’d longed believed myself to be independent and free. Free to do what I wanted. Free to make my own mistakes. Free to go where I desired.

Oh…wait….I’d never really been free had I? I’d really always been serving someone else, living the life that seemed expected, or waiting for life to start. Being in Denver, alone and untethered was an appointment with The Divine to move into a new kind of freedom.

Shortly after this realization struck me this verse began to pop up everywhere in my studies and reading:

 Look, the winter is past,
    and the rains are over and gone.
The flowers are springing up,
    the season of singing birds has come,
    and the cooing of turtledoves fills the air.
–Song of Solomon 2: 11-12 

 As the Colorado winter began to fade, I started to feel truly, madly, deeply FREE.
Freedom to be myself in all circumstances.
Freedom to trust my own intuition.
Freedom to feel passionately about things and not be fearful when others were intimidated by my passion.
Freedom to speak my mind or to be still, knowing that either one was acceptable.
Freedom to move into a relationship with God that was less about tradition and more about the Spirit moving in and through me.

And now as the days grow warmer and I begin to pack my things for a new adventure in Washington, I feel rooted in who I am at my very core…much like a tree planted by the water. At the same time feeling  free to soar like the birds after the winter is past and the time for singing has begun.

May you have both roots and wings…strength and freedom…and courage to step out in faith.

Roots & Wings–My Denver Tattoo