I’ve been on 5 dates since I moved to Denver…and finally there is one worth talking about.
Now before you get excited…let’s be clear…I’m not sharing because I met a great guy who could be “the one”. But because for hours now every time I think of this afternoon, I just laugh. And I don’t mean chuckle. I mean LAUGH!
Let me start by saying that I have had one decent night sleep all week. I slept almost 4 hours on Wednesday night but all other nights since Sunday have been close to 2 hours each night. Furthermore, you should know, I have very very poor judgement when not sleeping well.
So…this guy I met online called me last night to ask me out for a drink Friday afternoon. I said yes…even though I’m exhausted. So the plan was that I would leave work a bit early and meet him for a cup of coffee or a drink. When he called he said “Why don’t you just park in front of my house and we’ll walk around the block to a place for a drink?” Tired Leah said “Sounds good” and drove over.
This is where things go downhill…
He meets me on the sidewalk and says “I’m having the worst day ever. My basement is flooded. I’ve got to figure that out before we go anywhere or before I go to meet my family for dinner.”
Me: I can go and we can meet up another time.
Him: No no. Come in for a minute while I make some phone calls. (RED FLAG!)
We go into his house and he takes my coat and says “Want to see the basement?” (RED FLAG!)
(WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!?!?!)
He grabs a hose (RED FLAG ON THE HOSE ALTHOUGH I’M NOT SURE WHY )and opens the door to the basement and says “Go ahead.” (RED FLAG GOING DOWN THE STAIRS FIRST!)
In a show of even further stupidity…I took my shoes off because I thought “If I have these heels on I’ll have a harder time getting away from him.” (AGAIN I SAY…WHAT THE HELL!?!?) My only bright move was that I picked up my phone. But you KNOW you are making a bad decision when you pick up your phone and immediately open the contact information for your body builder friend..JUST IN CASE! I honestly had the thought “Oh my gosh, this guy is going to be sorry when Cuyler gets here.”
AND THEN I STILL WENT INTO A STRANGER’S BASEMENT!!!!!
We get down there…me barefoot…and there are 2 inches of standing water. So at least he hadn’t made the flooding up. He looks at me and says “Well…you can’t really go any further without your shoes so why don’t you wait on the stairs.” He moves to unplug a few things for fear of the cords being in the water and he turns to look at me and says “You look terrified.”
I said “Well…going into a strange man’s basement isn’t the best decision I’ve ever made and now I’ve got a bit of an adrenaline headache.” (BECAUSE NOTHING SAYS GENIUS LIKE PLAYING ALL YOUR CARDS!)
He says “We’ll go back upstairs just as soon as I unplug the freezer. At least that way you won’t think I’m going to put your body in it.”
A little nervous laughter and I immediately headed back up the stairs. You gotta give the guy credit for making a “body in freezer” joke at just the right moment…or was that the wrong moment??
That’s the worst of it…but just so you don’t think for a second that maybe I’m not giving this guy a fair shake, below is a brief summary of a few of the things that were said or done over the next 60 minutes:
1. He belched as if he were one of my gross older brothers. And while I realize burping is a natural function…ever heard of first impressions?
2. He touched my hair…before getting permission and before washing his basement clean up hands. MY HAIR!
3. About 30 minutes into my visit he leaned next to me by the sink and said “Do you think you want to be my girlfriend?” (RED EFFIN FLAG! I’m a relationship runner…you don’t say crap like that to a commitment phobe! )
4. He chews tobacco…and when explaining that it was a habit he was giving up asked me “Don’t you have any addictions? You know? Shoes? Handbags? No wait…I know. Your addicted to sex aren’t you?” (CLASSY!)
5. During the course of the time I was there he was draining the basement into the upstairs sink and tried out every possible hose joke. “Would you like to hold my hose?” “Is my hose drained?” “Do you like the speed at which my hose empties?” Do I seem like a girl who would laugh at that the 3rd time you said it??? The first time..maybe. But the third? Nope!
6. Roughly an hour into my “visit” he reached into a cabinet in the kitchen and said “Do you smoke pot?” When I said no he said “Oh, because that would make this afternoon even stranger and more fun than it already is”
7. He compared himself to George Clooney. And while he is exceptionally good looking…I think maybe George would hold off on the HOSE jokes until at least the 2nd date.
8. While I appreciated how much he appreciated my looks and complimented them…he said a few things that I can’t even bring myself to repeat simply because it makes me blush. I don’t mind a few blush-worthy comments from a man now and then…maybe a few dates in…but making lued (though complimentary) comments about my anatomy the day you meet me might not be the best idea you ever had. Just sayin’
9. Despite all of this weirdness he asked to kiss me before I left. He gets points for asking. But then immediately loses those points for sticking his tongue down my throat before I even got my eyes closed. But no points for ME because I let him kiss me!!!! (Again…I repeat…WHAT THE HELL??!?!?!)
10. He said the words “I need to see you again” emphasis on the word NEED. RED FREAKING FLAG.
In conclusion…I am grounded!!! I am not allowed to date when I’m this tired. I might not be allowed to date at all if I don’t have more sense than this.
Special thanks to Chad Lowman for texting with me throughout to help me keep from LOSING IT and for texting “Glad you are still alive” and making me laugh!
EXTRA special thanks to Cuyler Jones for being ready to come get me! With backup like that I dare a skinny George Clooney lookalike to try ANYTHING! Best text from Cuyler “Mental Note: no basements with strangers…” Such excellent advice…so pathetic that I need this said to me at 35! 😉
Oh dear. I was hoping this was a great piece of fiction you were writing because it couldn’t possibly be true, right? Leah, my girl, you’re lucky he didn’t rape, mame, kill you. Although it was a great story!
DUDE!!! Ok. That’s funny. Been there, done that, been stupid. Glad you lived through it.
Nope. Not fiction. This is my real life! Lol
I think I just read the treatment to George Clooney’s new romantic comedy. 🙂 Glad you’re not in a freezer!