Enough: Failing at Multiple Choice

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If you are like your sister…
 …you’ll be fine
      …I’ll be disappointed
            …you’ll be in trouble

Can you believe your friend…
…gets away with acting like that
      …has been so successful
           …is so beautiful

Girls can’t be…
…accountants
     …in the military
          …professors
                …preachers

Fat/Skinny/Tall/Short/Black/Asian/White/Lesbian/Trans girls can’t be…
 …dancers
       …sexy
             …successful
                  …loved

If you dress like that you’l be…
   …too slutty
         …too boring
               …too ugly
                     …too pretty to be taken seriously

When you are communicating try not to be too…
  …aggressive because it makes people uncomfortable
        …stupid because people will think you are an airhead
              …sweet because people will take advantage of you
                    …direct because people don’t like it when a woman is so sure of herself

Every woman can identify with failing one of these multiple choice tests. Every woman can probably also identify times when she’s given one of these tests to a mother, daughter, sister, friend, coworker, boss, employee, or stranger.

And yet…we all get the same grade when we take this test.

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The next time you start to give yourself the test…STOP! Remind yourself that you are imperfect…but you are Enough

The next time you start to pass judgment on another woman…KNOCK IT OFF! Offer some grace and remember that she is Enough!

And I know people won’t like this but, the next time you run across a female movie star, musician, writer, artists, politician, etc. that you decide deserves your cynical assessment of her looks, actions, words simply because “she put them out there”, remember that (a) she is a human being made in the image of the Divine and (b) others are listening to your choice of words in passing judgment and shrinking back from placing their trust in you…be Enough of a friend, fan, human, woman to extend mercy

Instead of failure…hurt…comparison…fear…and judgement receiving the failing grade, offer a better grade:

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One Word Resolution: Enough!

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I say this every year… I love New Years! It’s one of my favorite holidays.

I love the fresh start of a new year. I love the night of fun before. I love that there is one more holiday after Christmas (and before the grind begins again) that doesn’t involve me having to buy anything but drinks.

And I have always LOVED making resolutions. I could go pull any of the journals since I was 12 and find a list of resolutions. I love lists. I love planning to make positive changes in my life. I love the introspection and hope of it all. I love measuring successes against my plan.

Then comes March. Or work. Or a death. Or a move. Life happens and my resolutions get worked on here and there…sporadically…and some happen and others don’t. In some cases I feel good about the progress over the year. While in other cases I look back and realize that my goal was…
too ambitious…
or not in alignment with the season of my life…
or someone else’s goal that I was trying to live up  to…
or that my life changed after it was made  and I didn’t adjust the resolution.

This year I’ve decided to follow the OneWord365 principle (see http://www.oneword365.com). Choose just one word that sums up who I am and/or how I want to live. One word that I can focus on every day, all year long. Then watch it shape both my year and me.

So with that in mind I have come to the conclusion that my word has been picking me for months!

First I took an online e-course where I had to write this on my hand:

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Then one of my dear best friends Chad bought me this lovely bracelet for Christmas: 1504045_10151980059531107_103147232_n

So it seems obvious to me now that my One Word for the next 365 is:

Enough

I am enough!
There is enough love, joy, talent, success, peace, work, value, respect, and grace to go around for everyone…including me
When things get out of hand…I can stop the world from spinning by saying “Enough”
When others offer me love and friendship…I will gladly accept, return what I have to offer, and  it will be enough
When I have successes…the joy will overflow with enough
And when I fail…the sadness will reach its end and be enough
Through it all…I AM ENOUGH!

“Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey

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Sat down and read “Jesus Feminist” by Sarah Bessey in one sitting tonight. My main take-aways are as follows:

1. I think so many people would be surprised to find the soft voice of this lovely lady behind the title of “Jesus Feminist”. The title is stirring and I imagine so many will ignore or turn away despite what is in the beautiful prose of this lady.

2. The prose…it is lovely. Almost poetic. I can hear her voice and it is friendly, loving, honest, and kind. Grateful for that.

3. Despite being a women who has chosen not to have children, I am so grateful for the chapter on motherhood and the chapter on Church Ladies. So beautiful and touching!

4. If you are looking for a fierce proponent of women claiming their place in the pulpit, this isn’t it. I am both glad and sad at this.

5. The commission..Lordy Lordy…the commission! I wept over this. Probably because I needed to hear it. Probably because it is rare that women are given a commission in this manner. Probably because it is full of love, grace, and generosity.

I’ve made a list of people I’m buying this book for…it numbers at least 13 so far…including my dad. He is a coC preacher. He will hate it. But my hope is that he will understand ME a bit more. Me…the daughter of whom he said “It’s a shame that despite having two sons, the preacher in the bunch was a daughter.

The Gifts of Imperfection: Week 3–Saturday

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This week was all about letting go of perfection…ugh!

“Perfectionism is a self-desctructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgement and blame.” –Dr. Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection page 57

Perfectionism was my weapon against shame as a young person. It sounds so silly because I was so perfectly imperfect even then…but oh did I go through emotional and mental gymnastics trying to GET perfect. It was my attempt to keep fear at bay and it worked…now and then.

This week’s assignment was to find pictures of times when we were trying to be perfect but could have used some self compassion.

My first pic is me at about 8 at summer church camp. Contrary to everything I ever said to anyone…I hated summer camp. I didn’t feel like I fit in. I felt awkward. I didn’t know the kids. To top it all off these were the years when I’d started putting on weight during my abuse. I felt gross…ugly…and just generally like I wanted to be anywhere else in the world. And yet there I was. When I look at this picture now I wish I could whisper in her ear…”Just join in the fun. You won’t break if you play a little. Real life is so serious at home right now. Just use this time to laugh.” She was a very sweet and smart kid…and terrified to have fun because she was too grown up…too serious…too afraid of looking foolish…to afraid of most everything.
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My second picture is MUCH later. I’m about 27. I’m thinner than I’d been in a long time. On the surface the picture is beautiful. But I know what was going on in that woman’s head. I was angry. I was unhappy. I was lonely. And I was faking that smile more that day than I had in quite some time. Given the chance I’d lean in, pull that LONG mane of hair back and say “Soon. Someday soon your smile will come back. Your real…natural…joyful smile. You will be loved. You will FEEL loved. You will be whole. Soon.”
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The Gifts of Imperfection: Week 2, Saturday

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Note: I wrote part of this post yesterday (Saturday) and finished it today (Sunday)

This week we worked on cultivating authenticity and used an exercise where we had to pick a picture of ourself where we feel our true essence shines through. We then had to answer a few sentences about the version of ourselves in the picture we selected.

Here is my picture: photo

About this pic: I am about 3 years old and my family was living in Honduras. The Monkey is Monito and is my very best friend in all the world. (He is currently downstairs on a shelf in the guest room by the way.) I love this picture because it is me before the damage was done and the brokenness came. It is me when I was fearless and when sassy was easy. It is me when my smile betrayed just how spectacular I felt about myself. It is me comfortable in my own skin…healthy…innocent…and whole.

The years since this picture have been both good and bad. And as the old hymn goes “I wouldn’t trade nothin’ for my journey now.”

I haven’t done it all perfectly…but what I have done is get to today. And today I feel…

Happy

Hopeful

Loved

Gorgeous

Able

Smart

Kind

Generous

Loving

ENOUGH!!!

And if tomorrow should come and steal any of those mercies, I will look to the rainbow and hope for help from the Divine…from the hearts of my friends….and from the smile on the face of that 3 year old version of me. I will find courage in my time of fear. I will find remember that a whole person can be made up of mended broken pieces.

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The Gifts of Imperfection–Week 2, Sunday

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au·then·tic

 adjective \ə-ˈthen-tik, ȯ-\

: real or genuine : not copied or false

: true and accurate

Week two of “The Gifts of Imperfection” course by Dr. Brene Brown is all about Authenticity. People who know me know that authenticity and integrity are big deals for me. I believe strongly in not wearing a mask, in being honest about who you are, in telling your story, and not being fake. I don’t find it easy to respect the inauthentic or those who tell one story to the world and then live a different way. I am particularly hard on myself when I’ve done this in the past and I choose to take the risk and the hurt that can come with being authentic. I am eager to get this week underway and see where it leads.

In the meantime here are some really great quotes from this week’s reading in “The Gifts of Imperfection”

“Other people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more what they want so that they will be happier. The way it actually works is the reverse. You must first be who you really are, then do what you really need to do, in order to have what you want.” –Margaret Young

“Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice–a conscious choice of how we want to live. Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” –Dr. Brene Brown

“The thing is…authenticity isn’t always the safe option. Sometimes choosing being real over being liked is all about playing it unsafe. it means stepping out of our comfort zone. And trust me, as someone who has stepped out on  many occasions, it’s easy to get knocked around when you’re wandering through new territory.” –Dr. Brene Brown

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